In honor of the upcoming 1984 remake of The Karate Kid being released to a worldwide audience this Friday, I decided to delve deep into my thousand odd pages and share with all of you (and to be honest, I don’t know any of you, this being just my third entry), one of my many untitled works in progress.

This particular one dates back to 2005 (yes, really, 2005).  The Chicago White Sox won the world title, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire took center stage, That’s What I Call Music released volume 20, and your truly came with John, Jeremy, and Big Humberto in a stand-alone scene that glorifies the second best trilogy of all time.  But first, allow me time for a brief synopsis and introductions to my characters.

- Michael Arce

——-

In college, it’s a fresh start.  Everyone starts from scratch.  No one knows that you were voted “Most likely to live in a trailer home” in the yearbook superlatives.  Or that you were the geekiest girl in school.  No one knows that you weren’t known at all.  In college, you can be what you’ve always wanted – a sex god, a former-all-county quarterback, a former prom queen.  For a few, it’s a natural evolution of who you are, but for most it’s more of a transformation of something completely different on every possible level.  This is a story of two life-long friends who’ve entered college and are in dire need of this transformation.  They hoped that getting out of high school and finally living this college life would change their luck from there on out.  What they misperceived was that their life-long bully was more into writing than wedgies, and he too has earned him a shot at the same college they paid for as well.  And what they thought was going to be a time of their life has become more of the same high school bullshit.

Only this time, it’s on the grand stage of a college campus.

JOHN – Good looking with a toned physique, a guy that can have any girl he wants without breaking a sweat.  However, he’s not the ladies man that everyone believes him to be.  Around women, he becomes tremendously shy, constantly looking the other way.  It gets to a point where he comes off as the biggest homosexual within a 1000 mile radius.  When he runs into an attractive girl, he can’t muster one word to say to her, even when she’s dying to get to know him.  In perfect situations, he lets love down the drain.  He spends most of his time burying his face into a comic book or in front of a television screen watching his endless supply of kung fu movies.  He also quotes lines from Michael Keaton’s Batman every chance he gets.  Emphasis on every.

JEREMY – The “geeky” best friend of John’s since the days of building blocks in kindergarten class, geeky only because his fashion sense unconsciously leans toward that way.  Hence, he’s the total opposite of John in terms of looks.  Yet his nerd appearance does not even come close to the actuality of John’s level.  In fact, after watching A New Hope, he refused to watch any of the last five Star Wars for he firmly believes are the biggest pile of donkey schlong in the history of film.  Ironically, he possesses the wit and charm sweeps ladies off their heels, tennis shoes, and flip flops.  He says everything John can’t and says it with perfection.  The only problem is that the college campus is rampant with shallow girls and won’t accept his lack of good looks despite his amazing personality.  He feels that John wastes his time with his comics, kung fu, light sabers, and flux capacitors and should be getting all the poon the horniest sailor can handle. 

 BIG HUMBERTO – The elementary/high school bully, a big and burly Mexican.  Not your ordinary dumb-as-nuts-and-bolts bully either.  He secretly obtained high grades, secretly only because no one dared to ask him what he earned in his classes.  He pursued a college education to hone his knowledge on the same college campus where his two favorite victims from high school – John and Jeremy – coincidentally attended.  He funded his college education not only through shanking fools for their lunch money, but composing A+ quality essays for other students for hefty sums of money via a website titled “Essays by and Esé.”  He’s collected enough money to fund for his four years worth of tuition – including books.  He continues to bring hell upon John and Jeremy’s life, revealing every detailed embarrassment from their former years together.

SCENE:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – DUSK

The sun descends beyond the horizon, lighting the campus in a warm, orange light.  John and Jeremy just got out of their classes, Product Design Development 400 and the Art of Comedy 101, respectively. 

JOHN

Karate Kid Part III his ass!

Jeremy expands his wingspan, his arms slight elevated, wrists snapped, right leg lifted, bent, cocked and ready to rock – Crane style.

JOHN

That’s Part I you airhead!

JEREMY

(still in the Crane fighting stance)

What the fuck is part III?!

JOHN

When he does a 30 second dance with his arms and hands and gives him a karate flip and punch!

Not wanting to leave the Crane fighting stance, Jeremy attempts a lamer-than-lame kick on Big Humberto.  Big Humberto easily dodges the kick, grabs Jeremy’s foot and pulls his leg toward him and delivers a devastating, hard-as-rock headbutt on Jeremy’s right ear.

JEREMY

(slowly getting up, panicking)

Oh God, I don’t even know how to dance!  Oh jeez, I can’t hear a thing.

JOHN

Well just swing your arms around like your on speed!

JEREMY

What’d you say?

JOHN

(screaming)

SWING YOUR ARMS AROUND TO DISRACT HIM!  KARATE KID PART III!  I SWEAR TO GOD IT WORKS!

BIG HUMBERTO

Shut up, John!  None of that nonsense is going to save your friend from me burying him six feet under!

Jeremy folds his hands together into a giant fist and swings haymakers from side to side.

JOHN

No! No that’s part II!

Jeremy is able to get in a few hits on Big Humberto.

JEREMY

Who cares!  It’s working!

Big Humberto avoids a haymaker and pulverizes Jeremy with a front kick to the gut.

JEREMY

(on the floor, having a difficult time breathing)

Oh sweet… mother of Heaven… why must you…

Big Humberto grabs Jeremy from the collars of his shirt and lifts him off the ground.  In the meantime, John begins to do kata, the proper name of the “arms and hands dance” he previously referred to earlier from The Karate Kid Part III.

BIG HUMBERTO

(lets Jeremy go, focuses his attention to John, though a bit confused at what he’s doing)

You think that load of crap is going to work on me, little girl?

John gets into a karate stance after completing a session of kata.  Big Humberto charges at him, only to be flipped over onto his back.  John then delivers a hard, swift, concentrated punch to Big Humberto’s face.

JOHN

(with a “nothing-to-it” look)

Didn’t I tell your large, lousy ass that it worked?  Look at you, nothing but a pile of ‘down and out for the count.’  But no, you don’t listen.  No one ever listens.  Who’s feeling like six feet under now?

Big Humberto slowly but steadily gathers himself together.  John suddenly feels a tingling sensation of terror crawling up his back.  He feels more terrified with every moment Big Humberto makes.

JOHN

(Helping Jeremy up)

Jeremy, we uh, we got to haul ass.  Like, right now.  C’mon!  Let’s go!

JEREMY

(still dazed)

Where… where we going?  Are we going to get laid now?  Wow, you’re very voluptuous.

John, with Jeremy hanging over his shoulders while his feet scrape the sidewalk cement, desperately scurries home to safety.

BIG HUMBERTO

(with a bloody nose trying to shake off his dizziness)

Come back here, you little ball-juggling poons!